Ray the Mentor: A Lesson in Leadership

My profession is teaching people about leadership.  As a result, I am always on the lookout to see when leadership is truly practiced, yet this practice goes unheeded and unnoticed to the outside world.  I saw true leadership one night, in the most unlikely place – the coffee court of a local big box bookstore in the Virginia suburbs of Washington DC.

The coffee court was crammed with people, a hodgepodge of college students finishing papers, professionals seeking free Wi-Fi, and even one or two people reading books or drinking coffee.

Before I sat down at an open table next to a physically fit man grading papers, the cleaning lady, one of the sometime faceless people who pick up after us, jumped in front of me, cleaned and wiped down my table, then pulled my chair out for me.

It was late for a school night, past 8.30 p.m. anyway, so I ordered a decaf mocha and connected my laptop to the free Wi-Fi.  Like everyone else, I was surrounded by humanity, but chose to electronically isolate myself.

Suddenly, the kind cleaning lady appears with her two daughters – one of them clearly a teenager – and a son of about five years old. She talks to the oldest girl, who translates from Spanish into English for the gentleman grading papers.

Sighing heavily and with a sense of embarrassment that can only come from a teen, she translates, “She says I have to talk with you tonight about my biology grade.”

The gentleman replies in a heavily accented, deep voice, “Excellent – I was hoping we would do Biology tonight.  Please ask your mother to leave us for about 30 minutes and we will talk about it.” The teen translates and the mother leaves.

At CCL, we teach people that good mentors build a relationship, then assess where the mentoree is, challenge them, provide support, and focus on results.  As a teacher of mentoring, it is rare to see a mentoring approach like this one in action.

Since my seat was only about two inches away from the gentleman’s table, it is easy to overhear their conversation. He asks how she is doing and if she is still dating a boy she had talked about during an earlier meeting.  She says no, it didn’t work out.

Deftly turning this into a transition, he makes a comment about the role chemistry plays in relationships.   She didn’t take the bait – she said that it was more about how guys think and girls think that makes the difference.

So, he comments, “it is all about the biology then…”

Still, she didn’t take the bait.  Instead she informs him of her low biology grade and that if she did not do better next time, she would be kicked out of the honors class.

Having made his assessment of where she was, and building on a relationship that had obviously had many of these conversations, he asks, ‘is that what you want?’

When I teach, we call this both an assessment and a challenging question – it demands an answer, yet poses a focus on the conversation as well.

“No,” she answers. She wanted to do better.

“I want you to do better too – you owe it to yourself and your family.  We have worked too hard for too many weeks not to get this right.  What do you think we need to do to get on the right track?”

Again, I witness a great mentoring technique – providing support while allowing her to take the question and provide the answer, owning it in the same space.

“I think I need to spend more time here and focus better on this stupid biology.”

“Yes, I agree – and would use a different term than stupid – how about difficult or misunderstood.”

“I’ll stick with misunderstood,” she adds.

Now, I hate to say it, but this conversation held me spellbound for about the next 20 minutes.  They got right into the topic and his active listening, probing questions, support, and light-hearted approach to a tough topic; he was able to get her to see some very difficult concepts.

This was truly mentoring at its best – the presence of the mentor fueling the mentoree’s burning desire to learn.  He fed her information like feeding wood to a fire.  They were so involved in the conversation over cells and how they were made they failed to notice that her mother had been waiting over 15 minutes at another table for them to finish.

The mother finally walked over and apparently told her daughter they had to leave or they would miss their bus.  She translated for her mother about how proud she was of her daughter and of how the mentor was helping her daughter become a better student and a better person.

The Mentor just smiled and said in his heavily accented English, it was the least he could do.

Like all good mentors, he focused on results – he reminded her of her test the next week and the problems to study.  He then asked her to translate what he just said for her mother.  We also teach this in class to mentors – make sure the immediate managers know the development goals of the mentoree and what they need to do to be successful.

The mother, daughter, and her siblings then walk off to catch their bus.

I could not resist the temptation to talk with this expert mentor.  I lean across the table and introduce myself.  Shaking his hand, I tell him my name and what I do.

He introduces himself as Ray and we talk a bit. I found out he was from Central Africa and was an immigrant just like the girl he was mentoring.

When I comment on his superb mentoring style, he smiles and says,  “It is my duty.”  Taken aback,  I ask, “…your duty?”

“Yes.  I was just like her when I first came to this country. Then a mentor took me under his wing and taught me.  I owe it to my mentor to be as good as he was.  Sometimes it is the only hope an immigrant has to be successful.  I really hope it works for her.”

In my professional opinion, I explained that he did a tremendous job and I think she has very good prospects thanks to him. Humbly, he said that he had been taught well and he appreciated that someone noticed his efforts.

I told him that he will have a permanent place in my teaching repertoire as someone who can turn a biology session into a life lesson through role modeling of a true leader.

After we departed, I thought of how many times we often see leadership in action and we don’t stop to say thanks or provide feedback. That simple act may sustain a difficult relationship or even reinforce someone’s desire to take on the rough role of mentor or leader.  What a great gift he has provided for her.  I bet that in 10 years a Latino woman in her mid-20s will be mentoring another willing student. Maybe even in the same coffee court, all thanks to Ray.

Have you ever witnessed or experienced mentorship at its best? Please share.

~Clemson Turregano

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About Clemson Turregano

Focused towards leadership excellence in Government and Public Service, Clemson designs and delivers leadership programs for senior military and government officials. With over two decades of government service, both in and out of the military, Clemson's passion is to empower government leadership with exciting training programs, insightful writing, and thoughtful research. Clemson's current research involves effective mentoring practices within the public service sector, and creating adaptive learning opportunities for leaders.
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13 Responses to Ray the Mentor: A Lesson in Leadership

  1. the power of effective mentoring moves people to share with others.
    Also how you shared your respect with this gentleman, is a model that is aspirational and achievable.
    Often we see these examples and never comment on how great the experience has the admiration is.
    Thank you for sharing this story.

  2. avatar Sylvia Black says:

    Clemson, you continue to be such an effective mentor yourself by modeling the behavior of true interest in others. Thanks for the reminder you provide that we can see leadership exhibited by others in unexpected circumstances if we are open and interested.

  3. avatar Angela Buchanan says:

    Clemson, I do not know you but this was a great article and great timing for this small business owner who is trying to learn more about mentoring my employees. It’s the best part of the job!

  4. avatar Alex Dail says:

    I loved your article. My favorite part was when he said it was his duty. I have heard people identify it as a calling too. Something that you feel deep inside you must do.
    I think this feeling is critical to whatever I put my hands to do. It is first my duty to care about the other person, then to try and build bridges, and finally to use those bridges to help the other get the resources she needs.
    I think it is impossible to do my best, even though I know it is right to do my best, without first caring about those that will receive the consequences of my actions.

  5. avatar Papiya says:

    Clemson.
    This is really great. Beautiful Story telling with clear messages.I really loved your picking up the example from everyday leadership and making it a message of learning.
    I have been working with leaders across the sectors and have most of the time thought about picking the stories only from social and corporate sector.Your article has given my thinking and approach a new direction. Thank You. Papiya

  6. avatar Rey Carr says:

    This is a wonderful story, Clemson, and captures the qualities of great mentoring. We’d like permission to reprint the story in our online magazine. I know our readers would appreciate being able to reflect on these lessons since many of them work with troubled youth. How can we make the reprinting possible? If it is possible, we typically like to include a short biography, photo and contact link for the author. Thanks for your consideration

  7. Clemson, I do not know you but this was a great article and great timing for this small business owner who is trying to learn more about mentoring my employees. It’s the best part of the job!

  8. Clemson, I do not know you but this was a great article and great timing for this small business owner who is trying to learn more about mentoring my employees. It’s the best part of the job!

  9. avatar Marcia Witte says:

    Excellent post — and lovely story. Thank you for telling it.

  10. avatar Marie-Agathe Pernet says:

    Dear Clemson,

    Thank you for this inspiring article. I look forward to meeting you in the CCL offices next week.
    I will certainly share the link to this article with my colleagues around the office :)

    Best,

    Marie-Agathe

  11. avatar David Sparks says:

    What a great example of what it means to be a mentor, and the attitude we should have. It’s about serving others, and remembering we too once had to be taught. Thanks for sharing a real life example.

  12. avatar Tracy Patterson says:

    Clemson,
    Your post was inspiring on multiple levels. First, it makes so much sense to be tuned in to examples of leadership being practice everyday; even in a coffee shop. Second, the story you told about Ray was inspiring in how well he mentored and what motivated him to help the young student. I also loved the role that the mother played.

  13. Great story Clemson! You really captured the essence of the mentoring relationship — both the practical aspects (what to do as a mentor) for those interested in best practice from a methodological perspective — as well, the intrinsic, reciprocal, beneficial nature of a mentoring relationship. All parties really played a critical role in this scenario — not the least of all yours in recognizing and acknowledging good leadership behavior when you saw it in action.

    Thanks for sharing,
    Deborah Torain

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